What If

I recently read about Barack Obama's personal secretary. She's 27 years old. The thought that she is the same age as I am is amazing. She is so accomplished at such a young age. I think it is great to see a woman of my age in such an important role, but it made me wonder about my own accomplishments.

I am sure that I am not the first person with diabetes (or the last) to stop and wonder sometimes: What if I didn't have diabetes?

I used to think that maybe I'd be the same person that I am right now - slightly neurotic, clumsy, and a bit disorganized. But lately, I've been thinking that my life would have been completely and totally different as opposed to just slightly different.

If I had never had to worry as a kid about other kids thinking I was "weird" because of my diabetes at school, would I have been more outgoing? If I hadn't had math class right after lunch in high school, unaware at the time that my sugars were spiking right after lunch, could I have been a math genius and gone to MIT?

If I didn't have to worry before I went to bed about my blood sugars dropping in the middle of the night, would I sleep more soundly?

How much more could I have accomplished without my diabetes? Sure, there are many diabetics that pushed through these obstacles and are very much accomplished, but what about the little things that stop us in our tracks everyday? The low blood sugars that hit when we are doing everyday activities.

I think for the most part, I am a better person because of my diabetes in how I view the world. A long while ago, I stopped automatically jumping to the conclusion that someone was "odd" when I saw strange behaviors. People unaware of diabetes must think I'm a bit of a freak when I test my blood sugar on the subway, or when I take out my pump to bolus. For the most part, whenever I see someone doing something strange, I think - there must be a reason.

Diabetes has given me a new perspective on life which I try to keep positive. Instead of thinking of my workouts as risks because my sugar will drop low, I try to think of them as a way to avoid dialysis later in life. Instead of thinking about my future pregnancy being filled with angst and hardships, I try to think of a healthy baby. I can teach him or her to avoid jumping to conclusions about "weird" people.

I think that's all we can do. Try to focus on the silver lining, even though it's harder than focusing on the reality of it all sometimes.

Pending

That's what's going on with my Continous Glucose Monitoring System - it's pending. Therefore, I feel as though my life is pending too. I'm so close to being able to use my CGMS. The only problem - my insurance is STILL waiting on a "detailed code" for it to be processed.

Enough on that. Not a huge deal - my new pump and CGMS are sitting on my table just waiting to be opened and used. I know the day will come so I'm trying not to stress about it. I'm just frustrated.

In the meantime, I have a dilemma. I want to start taking classes at the gym again. Primarily, pilates and yoga, but I get nervous being in an hour long class and not testing my bloodsugar. I HATE testing in the middle of a yoga class. Although I'm quiet and not really disturbing anyone, it kind of ruins my relaxation. It's hard to go from downward facing dog right into a finger stick.

Does anyone take classes at the gym and have the same problem as I do? Any suggestions?

You're So Vain

As I've stated before - I'm trying to get healthier. For me, part of being healthier means losing a bit of weight. Out of all of the reasons why I should be motivated to lose weight - better blood sugar control, healthier heart, longer life - the number one motivator for my right now: looking good in a wedding dress. What is wrong with me?!

I hate saying it out loud, it sounds so vain, but it's the truth. Although I am striving for all of the other reasons mentioned, that unforgiving wedding dress (which I have not even picked out yet, but I'm certain that it will, in fact, be unforgiving) is my fuel.

Operation "Skinny in a Wedding Dress" has begun today. Don't worry - I hate the word "skinny." I do NOT want to look like the woman in this photo. Look at how thin her arms are! I have more of an athletic build, and I'm perfectly okay with that. However, I'd like to look (and be) healthy for the wedding day. Let's rename it "Operation Healthy in a Wedding Dress." I have one year to get healthier.

I feel that this will be a bit of a struggle, not only because losing weight and getting healthy is hard work, but because there are a few other things working against me. One such enemy - insulin resistance. I HATE insulin resistance! I'm sure everyone reading this knows the basics of insulin resistance. Here is my doc's simpliest explanation: my body isn't properly using all of the insulin that I take. Therefore, I'm taking more than my body should need. Insulin is a hormone that stores fat. All of that "extra" insulin that's not being used is pretty much just storing extra fat. Here's the kicker - the only way to cut down on insulin resistance, is to lose weight. However, losing weight is easier without insulin resistance. Such a fun little game my body is playing.

Obviously, the less carbs I eat, the less insulin I need to take. So, today marked the first day of my lower carb meals.

I'm going to make an appointment with a nutritionist soon to straighten this all out and do it the correct and healthy way. In the meantime, if anyone reading has gone through the same thing - any suggestions for me?

What Were You Doing Last Night?

This is a question that I used to ask quite often back in college when I would see a friend in the hallway or cafeteria who had clearly had a long night. He or she was usually in complete disarray with a major case of bedhead and their favorite sweatsuit ensemble on. That's how I remember them, anyway.

I now would like to pose this question to my nighttime blood sugars. Lately, there is no rhyme or reason to them which leads me to believe that I will not be getting a full night's sleep anytime soon. I'll be waking up at my favorite hours, either midnight or 3 a.m. depending on when I go to sleep, to test my sugar.

My favorite night so far, was when I went to bed at 10 p.m. (long day) with a blood sugar of 119 mg/dl and woke up at midnight with a blood sugar of 423 mg/dl. I didn't know I was capable of such profanity until that night.

I did some research the next day and was embarrassed to learn a new "old" diabetes fact. By "old" I mean a fact that most people with diabetes probably already know. With every "old" diabetes fact that I learn, I feel a little stupid. I always wonder why it is not common knowledge to me after having diabetes for 15 years.

I learned that if you eat a fatty meal before bed (not a good idea to begin with - this I already knew) that your sugars can significantly spike during the night. Good to know. My meal that night was definitely not in any diabetes cookbooks.

Over the next few nights, my sugars ran in the 200's. Not good, but being a bit paranoid about lows at night, I was okay with them as long as they weren't spiking.

Then there was last night. My blood sugar before bed was 274 mg/dl. Ugh. Being that I had just bolused not an hour ago for a high blood sugar, I left it alone and set my alarm for midnight...which didn't go off. Thanks, unreliable cell phone alarm. I woke up at 4 a.m. with a blood sugar of 154 mg/dl. Then at 7:30 a.m. my blood sugar was 116 mg/dl.

I think we all know what this means - nighttime testing, followed by a call to my endo, followed by pump adjustments. If my Continuous Glucose Monitoring System would get here, my nights would probably be more peaceful. (I've been told that my insurance approved the CGMS but that it is on back order. More on whether or not this is true in a later post.)

For now, I wish my blood sugars could just answer my simple question: what were you doing last night?

No More Fooling Around

I've been a bad blogger. I have a couple of posts here and there but nothing that I have been making the time to keep up with. Today, I vowed to change that...again. But, I feel as though I will keep my promise this time. No more fooling around - from this day forward, I will be a true blogger.

Let me start by quickly explaining the blog name "Is That a Beeper?" I have to first thank Kerri at SUM for making me remember this story due to her recent post. Unbeknownst to them, her and Nicole have recently fueled me to start being serious about posts (and diabetes, of course).

I've worn an insulin pump since high school. As far as my diabetes management goes, the choice to get a pump was the best move I've ever made and I'm a huge advocate for the pump. However, wearing the pump was the first time I remember truly feeling like people could now "see" my diabetes.

Until I got the pump, I was open about my diabetes with friends and teachers, but new acquaintances rarely knew I had diabetes until I got to know them better. As so many pumpers have learned, sometimes revealing your pump on the outside of your clothes is not the best fashion statement. Especially in high school, when your desire to "fit in" is strong.

As a teenager who, let's just say, developed fairly early, my favorite place to hide my pump was in my bra. It was very well hidden and comfortable for the most part. I felt safe with my pump in my favorite hiding spot...until I had to work on a high school project with my good friend Drew (who I later dated in college and is now my fiance, but that's a story for another post).

Cardboard and construction paper were strewn about the basement floor. Markers of every color were at our disposal. It was your typical high school project. As I was on the floor resting on my elbows to try to get a better angle to do some serious drawing and coloring for this project, Drew sat across from me and suddenly asked, "Is that a beeper in your bra?"

I was, for a split second, mortified. To my surprise, instead of fumbling over my words to try to explain my insulin pump, I simply answered, "Why are you looking down my shirt?" Before he got a chance to answer, I realized what a stupid question this was considering he was male and we were teenagers. "It's an insulin pump," I said.

"Oh. Cool. What does it do?"

The embarrassment subsided a few seconds into my explanation.

The "is that a beeper in your bra" debacle will always stand out in my head. I've since learned that a short moment of embarrassment is a small price to pay for good diabetes management.

Speaking of good diabetes management - being a better blogger is not the ONLY thing I need to work on these days. In order to keep my promise to myself, I'll be posting again soon on that issue.